What is it that keeps me from doing what I need to do? From what I even WANT to do? Grrrr....
Today I received in the mail the offprint copies of the article I got published earlier this year. And I am incredibly excited about it! But, if I can't keep it up, can't get going, I'm not going to see a repeat of that. And I don't like that feeling at all.
I haven't worked on anything in a few days. The other day I put my grades online. Yesterday and today I exercised (something I've been procrastinating on). So those are good things, yes. But I have this whole list of stuff to do. I know it's as simple as sitting down and doing them. But as you fellow-procrastinators know, it's also as difficult as sitting down and doing them.
The thing is - I know I can get these things done - and do them well. That was always something that threw off my counselor (whom I loved and who was so very good at helping me with so many things, but I'm not sure he knows all that much about the nature of procrastination). He always said that if the driving factor of my procrastination was fear of failure (which, in part, it is), then all the things I've accomplished should work to banish the need to procrastinate. The things I've done have borne out again and again that I CAN do what I set out to do; not only that, but I can do it well. What I tried to explain to my counselor is that every time I go to do something new, I feel like this will be the time I fail - badly. It doesn't matter how many times I've accomplished something; almost every single one of those times, it was by the skin of my teeth. Anything at all could keep this next time from turning out so well. In some people (and this is how the conselor saw things working), this fear that things will not turn out as well will motivate them to start earlier, work harder, dig deeper. But for procrastinators, it simply paralyzes us. We can't find a good enough time or a big enough block of time to really do that better, deeper work. And so we never start - until find ourselves on the precipice of the very last minute. (A friend of mine, a fellow procrastinator, told me she got something done today a whole day earlier than the deadline. Now, to non-procrastinators, that seems like cutting it close, but to us procrastinators, that's reason to celebrate.)
So far, at every last minute that really and truly counts, I've pulled things out of the fire - not always doing my best work, but still doing pretty well. But every new thing that comes along - and this is what I was trying to tell my counselor - brings with it the fresh possibility that this will be the thing that doesn't get pulled out of the fire in time. Rationally, I - and many procrastinators - know that the way to save things is to DO IT NOW. But there is always an excuse not to - whether it is a good excuse, bad excuse, or even a fabricated out of nothing excuse - I can find it.
My problem isn't time management and my problem isn't that I don't have enough time to do things and my problem isn't that I can't do the work or I don't have the tools or even that I don't like the work. The problem, I think, is that I'm scared. Scared of failing - scared of succeeding - scared it won't be perfect - scared that *I* won't be perfect. (By the way - a lot of my procrastination is driven by perfectionism. Which comes out of a fear of not being perfect.)
Here's what I'm going to aim for, though:
1. Taking small steps and being okay with small steps. Doing something on my list for even 15 minutes every day, even if it doesn't finish the job. Progress IS something. Accomplishing small goals leads to the accomplishment of big goals.
2. Differentiating my day. Work time(s) for work and play time(s) for play.
3. Remembering all the things I have accomplished and knowing that I can do the next things too. I have a goal, and I won't let the procrastination beast - my own inner beast - stand in the way of that goal. I've gotten published, and I will get published again.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day Two: Lack of Enthusiasm Creeps....
Oh man. I have done nothing today. To be fair to myself, I didn't necessarily have any set goals for myself either. To set myself straight, though - I should have had some set goals. Although - I AM on summer break for another week and a half. But that sort of thinking is what gets me in trouble all the time. (And now those of you who read this can see for yourself my circular thought patterns that always lead me to the same place, paralyzing me with inaction. Bugger.)
I've been sitting around all day, playing internet games, watching dvds, and feeling like a failure. Of course, the irony is that I am the only one who can make myself stop wasting my time and get some things done. But I just seem to lack the enthusiasm today.
As I was wandering around the house this afternoon, I was also wondering if I'm right in my belief that I work better at night. Maybe I actually work better in the morning, but I don't know that because I never get up early enough. Perhaps I should get up in the morning one day and really try it.
The first thing I need to do, though, I think (and Jacquie, in her comment on the previous entry, reminded me of this), is to get some type of schedule together (it's on my to do list at the right --> actually). I always cast my mind back to my first semester in my history masters (at that time master of teaching before I transfered over the next semester) degree. I did not procrastinate then. At least, if I did, it was only a little and only some of the time. I attribute it to two things: the Weekly Assignment List and the fact that I simply did not have time to procrastinate, since I was taking five classes and teaching one - and I'd never taught before, so I had no clue what I was doing and took preparation VERY seriously. I always - always - wrote all my appointments and deadlines in a planner. And it seemed to work really well for me. Aside from the fact that some of the classes were really boring and that I seem to remember doing a research paper in the couple of days before it was due (my specialty) - although I think that was more out of necessity than anything else - I think it was my best semester in terms of keeping up with everything I had to do and had going on.
I've tried variations of the Weekly Assignment List since then. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have a feeling that one of the reasons it worked so well then is that it was the ONLY thing that was keeping me afloat. Somehow, I have to find a balance again. I don't really want to be that busy again, but I don't seem to know how to deal with free time in a way that it doesn't start sucking up my working time. This is one of the drawbacks of being an academic and a college teacher who sets almost all her own hours and works at home. I have a hard time drawing the lines between working and playing - and this is a hard enough time for procrastinators anyway. So how do I solve this?
It's not only a time thing either. I use my home study for working and for play - the same computer for both too. So neither my space nor time is delineated by anything or anyone but me. It's a problem I don't really know how to solve, but I think I need to try to find a way to solve it mentally rather than physically. Thus we are back to the schedule.
I'm going to work on it. And as I develop the schedule, I am going to try to figure out when my best time of day for working is, too. I've always thought it's mid-afternoon to evening, but I'm not so certain anymore. I'm going to try some new things out to see how they work.
I've been sitting around all day, playing internet games, watching dvds, and feeling like a failure. Of course, the irony is that I am the only one who can make myself stop wasting my time and get some things done. But I just seem to lack the enthusiasm today.
As I was wandering around the house this afternoon, I was also wondering if I'm right in my belief that I work better at night. Maybe I actually work better in the morning, but I don't know that because I never get up early enough. Perhaps I should get up in the morning one day and really try it.
The first thing I need to do, though, I think (and Jacquie, in her comment on the previous entry, reminded me of this), is to get some type of schedule together (it's on my to do list at the right --> actually). I always cast my mind back to my first semester in my history masters (at that time master of teaching before I transfered over the next semester) degree. I did not procrastinate then. At least, if I did, it was only a little and only some of the time. I attribute it to two things: the Weekly Assignment List and the fact that I simply did not have time to procrastinate, since I was taking five classes and teaching one - and I'd never taught before, so I had no clue what I was doing and took preparation VERY seriously. I always - always - wrote all my appointments and deadlines in a planner. And it seemed to work really well for me. Aside from the fact that some of the classes were really boring and that I seem to remember doing a research paper in the couple of days before it was due (my specialty) - although I think that was more out of necessity than anything else - I think it was my best semester in terms of keeping up with everything I had to do and had going on.
I've tried variations of the Weekly Assignment List since then. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have a feeling that one of the reasons it worked so well then is that it was the ONLY thing that was keeping me afloat. Somehow, I have to find a balance again. I don't really want to be that busy again, but I don't seem to know how to deal with free time in a way that it doesn't start sucking up my working time. This is one of the drawbacks of being an academic and a college teacher who sets almost all her own hours and works at home. I have a hard time drawing the lines between working and playing - and this is a hard enough time for procrastinators anyway. So how do I solve this?
It's not only a time thing either. I use my home study for working and for play - the same computer for both too. So neither my space nor time is delineated by anything or anyone but me. It's a problem I don't really know how to solve, but I think I need to try to find a way to solve it mentally rather than physically. Thus we are back to the schedule.
I'm going to work on it. And as I develop the schedule, I am going to try to figure out when my best time of day for working is, too. I've always thought it's mid-afternoon to evening, but I'm not so certain anymore. I'm going to try some new things out to see how they work.
Day One (Or, really, Day Number-Unknown....)
So, here's Day One of this particular manifestation of my account of my dealings with the procrastination beast. The dealing, struggles, battles have definitely been going on for far longer, and so who knows what day it is when it comes to that. Like I said in the description header, I've been battling with procrastination as long as I can remember, and probably longer. I've done all sorts of things to try to stop - or at least control a little better - my procrastination, even to keeping a journal off and on. I hope I'll be able to keep up in this type of forum a little easier.
I welcome any and all people who have struggled with procrastination - or even those who don't see why anyone ever procrastinates - to read, comment, and share your wisdom, your ordeals, your triumphs - your stories - with me. Life is an adventure and we all have our own demons and beasts with which we must contend; my own adventure contains the beast Procrastination. I may not be able to slay this beast for good, but I think I can learn to tame it. We shall see, shan't we?
I welcome any and all people who have struggled with procrastination - or even those who don't see why anyone ever procrastinates - to read, comment, and share your wisdom, your ordeals, your triumphs - your stories - with me. Life is an adventure and we all have our own demons and beasts with which we must contend; my own adventure contains the beast Procrastination. I may not be able to slay this beast for good, but I think I can learn to tame it. We shall see, shan't we?
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