Day Whatever: I've Lost Count

What is it that keeps me from doing what I need to do? From what I even WANT to do? Grrrr....

Today I received in the mail the offprint copies of the article I got published earlier this year. And I am incredibly excited about it! But, if I can't keep it up, can't get going, I'm not going to see a repeat of that. And I don't like that feeling at all.

I haven't worked on anything in a few days. The other day I put my grades online. Yesterday and today I exercised (something I've been procrastinating on). So those are good things, yes. But I have this whole list of stuff to do. I know it's as simple as sitting down and doing them. But as you fellow-procrastinators know, it's also as difficult as sitting down and doing them.

The thing is - I know I can get these things done - and do them well. That was always something that threw off my counselor (whom I loved and who was so very good at helping me with so many things, but I'm not sure he knows all that much about the nature of procrastination). He always said that if the driving factor of my procrastination was fear of failure (which, in part, it is), then all the things I've accomplished should work to banish the need to procrastinate. The things I've done have borne out again and again that I CAN do what I set out to do; not only that, but I can do it well. What I tried to explain to my counselor is that every time I go to do something new, I feel like this will be the time I fail - badly. It doesn't matter how many times I've accomplished something; almost every single one of those times, it was by the skin of my teeth. Anything at all could keep this next time from turning out so well. In some people (and this is how the conselor saw things working), this fear that things will not turn out as well will motivate them to start earlier, work harder, dig deeper. But for procrastinators, it simply paralyzes us. We can't find a good enough time or a big enough block of time to really do that better, deeper work. And so we never start - until find ourselves on the precipice of the very last minute. (A friend of mine, a fellow procrastinator, told me she got something done today a whole day earlier than the deadline. Now, to non-procrastinators, that seems like cutting it close, but to us procrastinators, that's reason to celebrate.)

So far, at every last minute that really and truly counts, I've pulled things out of the fire - not always doing my best work, but still doing pretty well. But every new thing that comes along - and this is what I was trying to tell my counselor - brings with it the fresh possibility that this will be the thing that doesn't get pulled out of the fire in time. Rationally, I - and many procrastinators - know that the way to save things is to DO IT NOW. But there is always an excuse not to - whether it is a good excuse, bad excuse, or even a fabricated out of nothing excuse - I can find it.

My problem isn't time management and my problem isn't that I don't have enough time to do things and my problem isn't that I can't do the work or I don't have the tools or even that I don't like the work. The problem, I think, is that I'm scared. Scared of failing - scared of succeeding - scared it won't be perfect - scared that *I* won't be perfect. (By the way - a lot of my procrastination is driven by perfectionism. Which comes out of a fear of not being perfect.)

Here's what I'm going to aim for, though:
1. Taking small steps and being okay with small steps. Doing something on my list for even 15 minutes every day, even if it doesn't finish the job. Progress IS something. Accomplishing small goals leads to the accomplishment of big goals.
2. Differentiating my day. Work time(s) for work and play time(s) for play.
3. Remembering all the things I have accomplished and knowing that I can do the next things too. I have a goal, and I won't let the procrastination beast - my own inner beast - stand in the way of that goal. I've gotten published, and I will get published again.